To properly understand this one, you have to be at least passingly familiar with NightHawk (or, as we like to fondly refer to him, monwolfhawkwick). This should tell you everything you need to know (opens in new window). The mark is how long Timestamping Ted informs us it took him to clue in after the innuendo started; not the total running time for the scene.
We now return you to our presentation of The Twenty-Minute Man: Special Edition, featuring a commentary track in firebrick for your better-contrasting viewing pleasure.
*** N[ghtHawk (anyone@Star4646.intrstar.net) has joined #blkdragon*inn
* N[ghtHawk walks from the shadows and looks around
(Glad to see you finally got over getting cut from the 'Times Are Tough' guy
auditions, Wolfy. How's that new job as an angsty voyeur working out for you?)
* N[ghtHawk walks to the bar
* N[ghtHawk stands about 6' tall dressed in black. Nighthawk is very pale and
slender and looks to be about 25 years old. He has blonde hair and steel gray
eyes. Certain sensitive people claim he gives off an aura of evil.
(Those of us who aren't as sensitive have no qualms about telling it like it
is: A warning from the Emergency Broadcast System. IMPENDING STUPIDITY ALERT:
At approximately seven-thirty a.m. on June twenty-ninth, radar indicated a dark
cloud with an unusually dense central body approaching the Black Dragon Inn.
Preliminary reports suggested an aura of evil; these have been updated to
reflect more recent findings which show it to be the usual miasma of cliché and
angst with a hefty dose of one-lining. Intelligent persons in the path of this
dork should take shelter immediately.)
*** Kobra is now known as Fork
* Fork sits at the bar, and yawns.
(Keep in mind, this is the person who regularly churns out three paragraphs at
a time when playing with me. He's doing this for a reason, and it's not because
he hasn't had the necessary course of preventative inoculations for going on
safari in
third-world
third-rate RP channels. Wanna guess who didn't get it?)
* N[ghtHawk looks at fork and shakes his head
(If you said, "Monwolfhawkwick," you're a winner of this fine prize pack
including reserved seating at the "Make It Stop, God, Make It Stop" wall, where
many fine RPers have vented their frustrations and killed their pain by
slamming their heads repeatedly into the sheetrock, and this ultra-absorbant,
devil-down filled pillow, perfect for cushioning your cranium or stifling your
hysterical laughter.)
* Fork is probably about thirty five, and exceedingly average in every way
imaginable. In fact he's so average, people have a hard time remembering what
his face looked like five minutes after they've stopped looking at it. If they
even cared.
<Fork> "What the hell are you shakin' your head at?"
* N[ghtHawk smirks "someone here this time of the morning
<Mancel> Pot calling the kettle black.
* N[ghtHawk walks to the bar
<N[ghtHawk> order eggs and toast
* Dulcina walks to the bar and returns with eggs and toast for N[ghtHawk.
<Fork> 'This time of the morning'? Mate, I'm wondering why in bloody
Hades anyone comes here full stop."
<Fork> "My excuse is excessive, masochistic self-loathing. What's
yours?"
(He takes after me. *Beam*)
* N[ghtHawk looks up from his meal "i live here
* N[ghtHawk starts eating besides this is late for me
<Fork> 14"I pity you, every generation of your family, and the
demented god whose fit of sick humor put you on the same stretch of rock as
anything with a pulse."
* N[ghtHawk laughs and takes a bite of toast "its not that bad i also do
business here
<Fork> 14"What do you sell? Undernourished child prostitutes?"
* N[ghtHawk laughs "i heal wounds and things like that
<Fork> 14"Believe me, friend, this place leaves scars -nobody- can
heal."
(Which is why nine out of ten therapists recommend it for those weekend
getaways. Mm, that new-car smell...)
* N[ghtHawk laughs "by the way i'm Jason N[ghtHawk
(Awwr. Look, Kobie! He wants to be your friend! ...RUN WHILE YOU CAN!)
<Fork> 14"People call me Fork."
<Fork> 14"Well, actually, I think they were trying to say something
else with four letters, but I decided to change it, to avoid offendin' me
mother."
* N[ghtHawk nods "so what do you do
<Fork> 14"I exist. Unfortunately."
* N[ghtHawk pulls his pipe from his pocket and lites it with a spark from his
finger
<N[ghtHawk> why not change your lot in life
(Says the man whose half-elven character constantly mopes about bemoaning the
fact that no one likes him because he's not pure. Dude, like Cai and I keep
telling you - it ain't your damn
blood
that's the reason no one likes you.)
<Fork> 14"That's a pretty neat trick, mate. Does it ever backfire,
y'know, when you're...uhh....spanking the old purple dragon?"
(Commence innuendo.)
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* N[ghtHawk smirks "not unless i make my elemental mad
*** Dulcina sets mode: +l 35
<Fork> 6There's absolutely no point in describing Fork's actions. Fork
never does anything worth describing. 14"Huh, I haven't heard -that- name
for it before."
<Mancel> 6Hahahaha!
<Fork> 6I'm a hypocrite - Fork produces a small notepad and jots down
'elemental' next to the words 'twidgie' 'john thomas' and 'wick'.
<N[ghtHawk> hmm you mean elementals
<Fork> 14"You have more than one? Lucky bastard."
(Elementacles?)
<Mancel> (- 6Dies laughing, stop Kobie!1 -)
<N[ghtHawk> you have to to work magic
<Fork> 6Brow-arch. 14"I'll bet."
<N[ghtHawk> there is one for fire water air and earth
<Fork> 14"Environment -is- very important." 6Sage nod. One must
wonder how he keeps from cracking up.
<Fork> 14"Although I imagine 'fire' hurts like bejeebus bouncin' on
a witch's broom."
*** Linta has quit IRC (Quit: The quickest way to a man's heart is between his
fourth and fifth ribs.)
* N[ghtHawk laughs "you walk through a bond fire if you know the right
elemental
*** Mancel has quit IRC (Ping timeout)
<Fork> 14"Huh. Hm." 6Conspiratorial whisper - 14"D'you
think you could...uhh...set me up with one? Y'know, real discreet like. Wink
wink, nudge nudge, you know the rest."
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* N[ghtHawk nods "you have to give them offerings
<Fork> 14"Oh -really-?"
<Katalin> <<*reads up.. smirks and shakes her head*>>
*** TarmAFK-NightNight (Dontyouwi@Star10965.mtsano01.ga.comcast.net) has joined
#blkdragon*inn
<Rantan> [TarmAFK-NightNight] Life Of Valiant Effort, Lust Oft Stinging
Time
* Orwell looks up and says drunkenly, "Who? Where? Why I oughta..."
and then promptly falls back asleep on his table.
* N[ghtHawk nods "incents and the like
<Fork> 14"I'm always up for a little smoke n' steam in that kind of
a jig, y'know what I mean? Say n'more."
<Fork> 14"What about, you know....lubricant?"
*** Katalin has quit IRC (Quit: Ok, some things are funny, yet ever heard of
going too far? LOL nighters)
* N[ghtHawk looks at you "what the are you talking about
<Fork> 6Brow-perk. 14"Not the same thing you are, obviously."
* N[ghtHawk sighs and pours a bit of water in his hand and makes a fist
<Maynard> (- Jesus. -.-; -)
(I know. It hurts and stings something awful, doesn't it?)
<Fork> 14"...that's the spirit."
* N[ghtHawk opens it and a diamond rolls out
<Fork> 14"....well, I mean, shit. Mine's never done -that-
before."
<Fork> 14"I think you should see someone about that. It might get
infected.
* N[ghtHawk nods "and it wont till you find a water undine
<Fork> 14"Mm. I think I've heard of them. Are they the ones that
give you...you know..." 6He makes a vulgar motion in front of his mouth.
14"Mmph-phmph? Y'know? Wink wink, nudge nudge?"
* N[ghtHawk shakes his head "they give you power over water
<Fork> 14"So long as it ain't cold water. I tend to, y'know, shrink
in cold water."
* N[ghtHawk looks at him "is that all you think about your johnson?
(...and there's the twenty-minute mark, kids.)
<Fork> 14"Oh, stop kidding yourself. That's all ANYONE thinks about
in this dungheap. I just don't feel the need to cloak it in all that 'oh
m'lady, you set my heart afire' crap."
("And you make my thighs burn, milord! ...is that rash supposed to be there?")
<Fork> 14"Heart my derrier. If my heart's the only thing that's
throbbing she needs to aim lower."
* N[ghtHawk shakes his head "what about bettering your self
<Fork> 14"Why?"
* N[ghtHawk shrugs "to make your life better
<Fork> 14"I like my life just fine."
* N[ghtHawk smiles and i like "being able to help people in need
(Great. I need a million dollars and a pony.)
<Fork> 14"Why?"
<N[ghtHawk> ok can you make your own money
<Fork> 14"I'm not a freaking cripple."
<Fork> 14"I work, I get paid, I make a living. I mean, I can't whack
off and pop a diamond outa my spooge but I get by."
* N[ghtHawk holds up the diamond "how long do you think i can live off this
<Fork> 14"I don't know. Probably about ten minutes. God knows,
enough idiots tip the bartenders in places like this with priceless diamonds
that they probably have no monetary value anymore. You might as well use 'em as
paperweights."
* N[ghtHawk laughs "well i can live well off it for about a week
<Fork> 14"Your harlots must be pretty pricey."
<Fork> 14"Then again, diamonds -are- a girl's best friend."
<Aldante_Fax> 6If so properly placed.
* N[ghtHawk sighs "i do not hire women
<Aldante_Fax> 6Men?
<N[ghtHawk> no i am quite married
<Aldante_Fax> 6To a man?
<Fork> 14"Quite married? As opposited to not-quite married?"
*** Paetines has quit IRC (Ping timeout)
* N[ghtHawk laughs "no a woman
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#Blkdragon*Inn
<Fork> 14"....who are you talking to?"
<Aldante_Fax> 6That's not a woman, that's a man, baby!
* N[ghtHawk smirks "she shows up when she wants
<Aldante_Fax> 6Don't mind him. He can't hear me. Only you can, kid. Stick
with me. I'm your Conscience.
<Fork> 14"Oh, so she's -that- kind of wife."
* N[ghtHawk smiles "sort of
<Aldante_Fax> 6You should take heart what your wife is implying.
"Sleep with more men, like me!"
(Even
I
don't want to see monwick get it on with a man, and I'm the Fort's resident
yaoi freak.)
<Fork> 14"Sort of? How'zat work?"
* N[ghtHawk sits back and smokes "so she comes to me when she is ready
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*** Aldante_Fax is now known as Swat
<Fork> 14"Convenient. Ready for what?"
<Fork> 14"I really shouldn't have to ask, but after you took twenty
minutes to get clued into what I was on about earlier, I feel necessity's
clammy grip."
* N[ghtHawk smiles "what do you think
<Swat> 6Zzzt...A fly buzzes off of N[ghtHawk's shoulder and heads over to
Fork, resting on a nondescript knee.
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<Fork> 14"I don't know. To abuse you with a grain thresher for
tricking her into marrying your sorry ass?"
*** Seven has quit IRC (Quit: 9,1 »¡« Scøøp Script
2003 »!« 0,1 do you want to make the mirc fun? go to the 9,1)
<Swat> 6I suggest a sledgehammer. They're more efficient...Zz.
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<Fork> 14"Thresher will prolong it more." 6He pauses. Blink.
Did he just answer ...nothing?
* N[ghtHawk looks at you "i think i'll you seem bent on making me hurt you
(It's called payback.)
* N[ghtHawk heads to his room
*** N[ghtHawk (anyone@Star4646.intrstar.net) has left #blkdragon*inn
<Swat> 6Bzzhaw. What a boy scout.
<Swat> 6He wouldn't even harm a fly.
<Fork> 14"My money'd be on you, buzzer."
<Fork> 6Fork snorts. Tries not to burst out laughing.
<Swat> 6Damn straight. I'd kick his arse from here to Timbukthree.
<Fork> 14"With one wing tied behind yer back." 6He pushes his
mug out. 14"Beer?"
<Swat> 6He should take some classes. Coarse Humor 101. Delighted. *plop*
<Swat> 6Lookit me! I'm the Damsel In Distress! Where is my Knight in
Preferably Tarnished Armor?
* Orwell shifts in his sleep, muttering something about a stone fish...
<Fork> 14"M'goin' home."
<Swat> 6*Bzz, bzz...Sip.* Free alcohol for me! Yes!
<Swat> 6Later, Utensil.
<Fork> 14"Later, tw-.....buzzer." 6Off trundles Fork.
<Swat> 6Damn! So close! I only get Two Points. *bzz...hic*
<Fork> 14"...at." 6Door-slam.
<Swat> 6TWO THOUSAND POINTS! The crowd goes wild! *hic...* Oy.
<Swat> 6Buzzes off to find a bowl of soup to be in.